Oh, Mitchell

For those of you (which isn't many of you, if any) wondered what I got for Christmas, I will tell you. Actually, I will show you. It proves (like his request for you to vote for "his" name) that he will make an excellent lawyer.

12/24/08
Dear Valued Spouse Entity,
The Mitchell Evers Government realizes that this year has been hard on all of us. In an effort to ensure that the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family does not see a depression in the coming year, the Mitchell Evers Government has passed the 2009 Alexis Evers Bailout Bill. In this box you will find that the Mitchell Evers Treasury has printed out currency for you to spend in the upcoming year, in accordance with the Alexis Evers Bailout Bill. A copy of the 2009 Alexis Evers Bailout Bill is also contained in this box. The Mitchell Evers Government would like to remind you that the currency you are receiving is not just any currency – it is the most valuable currency on the planet. The Mitchell Evers Treasury has issued you, the much sought after, “Honey $ Money” currency.
We hope that the Alexis Evers Bailout Bill will help you find much needed, and deserved, rest and comfort in the upcoming 2009 year. The Mitchell Evers Government would also like to remind you that this bill has been passed because the Mitchell Evers Government realizes that you are the most crucial part of the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family. The Mitchell Evers Government considers the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family to be of the utmost importance. In fact, the Mitchell Evers Government will do everything in its power to ensure that the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family does not fail (because if the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family failed it would bring utter chaos, destruction, despair, etc. to the Mitchell Evers Government). To put it in media terms, the Mitchell Evers Government considers the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family “too big to fail.”
Indeed, we hope that this New Year brings peace, happiness, comfort, and growth to you and the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family. The Mitchell Evers Government believes that this bailout bill will aid you and the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family in reaching the aforementioned goals.

Sincerely,

Mitchell Evers, President
The Mitchell Evers Government

2009 Alexis Evers Bailout Bill

In recognition of all the love, support, hard-work, and dedication Alexis Evers has shown to the Mitchell Evers Government and the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Family, the Mitchell Evers Government has taken the following action
1. Alexis Evers will be given $1632 in official “Honey $ Money,” which has been minted by the Mitchell Evers Treasury Department.
2. Alexis Evers has the power to use the “Honey $ Money” in any way in which she deems to be fit and appropriate.
3. All Mitchell Evers Government owned entities, which will be listed in part 4 of this bill, must adhere to the price schedules contained in this bill.
4. A list of the Mitchell Evers Government owned entities, services offered, and price schedules are as follows:
a. Mitchell Evers Massage – Mitchell Evers Massage cannot charge in excess of $5 “Honey $ Money” per minute of massage. However, the maximum amount of minutes that Mitchell Evers Massage is forced to perform on any day is 30 minutes (which would cost $150 “Honey $ Money), unless Mitchell Evers Massage agrees otherwise.
b. Mitchell Evers Cleaners – Mitchell Evers Cleaners cannot charge in excess of $ 100 “Honey $ Money” to clean any one room, however Mitchell Evers Cleaners will only clean rooms that are contained in the Mitchell and Alexis Evers Household. Additionally, there will be a 2 room maximum per day.
c. Mitchell Evers Laundromat – Mitchell Evers Laundromat cannot charge in excess of $ 100 “Honey $ Money” to wash/dry/and put away one load of laundry. There is a 3 load maximum per day.
d. Mitchell Evers Diner – Mitchell Evers Diner cannot charge in excess of $32 “Honey $ Money” for breakfast, $50 “Honey $ Money” for lunch, and $100 “Honey $ Money” for dinner. Diner service includes preparing meal and cleaning up all dishes used. Diner service can refuse request for service if it is not notified 12 hours prior to beginning of meal time that is requested.
e. Mitchell Evers Garbage Service – Mitchell Evers Garbage Service cannot charge in excess of $16 “Honey $ Money” to take out garbage. Mitchell Evers Garbage Service would like to note that most Garbage Service provided is free of charge; however, if Garbage Service is requested at an inconvenient time, Mitchell Evers Garbage Service can demand up to $16 “Honey $ Money” to perform said services. If $16 “Honey $ Money” is tendered, Mitchell Evers Garbage Service must remove garbage from the premises immediately.
f. Mitchell Evers Escort Service – Mitchell Evers Escort Service cannot charge more than $150 “Honey $ Money” per date. Date includes all planning, including finding a baby sitter. “Honey $ Money” must be tendered at least 48 hours prior to date night. PLEASE NOTE: Physical intimacy cannot be purchased, that must be earned.
g. Mitchell Evers Babysitting Service – Mitchell Evers Babysitting Service cannot charge more than $10 “Honey $ Money” per child, per hour, for babysitting. Babysitting can be requested at any time for any reason. Ideally, Service will be used to allow purchaser to take naps/go out with friends.
h. Mitchell Evers Kids to Bed Service – Mitchell Evers Kids to Bed Service cannot charge more than $50 “Honey $ Money” to put Jackson and Creighton to bed. Service includes getting kids upstairs, brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, and getting them in bed.
5. If any Mitchell Evers Government owned entity fails to perform a service listed in this bill when “Honey $ Money” is tendered, then the entities owner/operator will be punished. Alexis Evers has full discretion in determining what the appropriate punishment will be. All judgments by Alexis Evers are final and no appeals shall be heard.
6. Services not contained in this bill are not subject to a price ceiling. However, the holder of “Honey $ Money” can make offers for other services that she would like rendered.
7. MERRY CHRISTMAS

I have spent $200 so far and I plan on using the remaining $1432 on many great things to come. Thanks honey! It was truly exactly what I wanted and I am not lying.